The Rostow Report by Ann Rostow


You must check out the lesbian Renault ad, a Sapphic commercial masterpiece. But more importantly, have a lovely holiday month. Cheers.


CLEAN UP ON AISLE ONE

I’m starting to wonder what GOP lawmakers would do if Trump actually did shoot someone in cold blood on Fifth Avenue. Was it really Trump’s bullet that killed the innocent bystander who was simply walking down the street? Or was a second shooter taking aim from the alley, timing his shot to match Trump? Was the so-called “innocent bystander” really that innocent? He had a funny last name. An immigrant, with suspect loyalties? Perhaps Trump was protecting America from an insidious plot. Or maybe the bystander had his own gun and was about to whip it out and fire before Trump saw him move and reacted in self defense. After all, the President has magnificent reflexes. And plus, some people say Joe Biden murdered a few people back in the day.

I suppose I’m just discouraged by the impeachment hearings, FIGHT readers. I feel as if our Democracy under Trump is like a messy house that gets messier and messier. Donald stopped cooking and now we get our food delivered. We leave the empty cartons on the table or in the overflowing trash, not bothering to tackle the kitchen because it’s gone too far. The living room is filled with junk and newspapers. Someone keeps ordering cheap items from Amazon, leaving boxes and packaging in the hallway and piling up the purchases in the spare room. We can’t get in there anymore.

Gradually, we’ve become a hoarders’ lair, with several cats clambering around, using the corners of rooms as a litter box, eating out of a large bag of kibble that someone has ripped open at the side and left in the hallway. How many cats are there now? It’s hard to tell. 

And here comes Adam Schiff, pointing out that the master bedroom is a pig sty. Really? Schiff picks his way down the steps holding an armload of Donald’s dirty clothes. Just look at this, he exclaims! We glance up from the chair that sits like an island in the sea of chaos that used to be the den, and mute the shopping channel on TV. Yes, Adam? What is it now?


MARY MARY, QUITE CONTRARY

Moving right along, I was surprised to read about a federal judge in Chicago, who revived the case of a gay Romanian man who was denied a green card even after he married his American husband. The Romanian had previously married an American woman, but immigration authorities had decided that this first marriage was a sham. Fast forward ten years, and the same guy, now divorced, married a man, explaining to authorities that both marriages were legitimate. The first marriage had been a youthful passion by a confused young man who was still struggling with his sexual orientation. Marriage two was a love match, struck once the High Court legalized same sex weddings.

The authorities were not convinced, figuring that the first marriage was fraudulent and the second one was, therefore, automatically suspect. Happily, the aforementioned federal judge disagreed, giving the men the benefit of the doubt and reversing the Board of Immigration Appeals. 

So, the surprising thing about all this was the fact that the judge was an out lesbian, appointed by Trump. Say what? Checking her credentials, we see that Judge Mary Rowland is a Democrat and a card carrying member of the Lesbian and Gay Bar Association of Chicago. How did she get by the rightwing Trump legal eagles? I gather that the two Senators from Illinois, both Democrats, negotiated for her appointment, which is good news. I didn’t realize we had any power whatsoever in the area of judicial nominees. 


BAD MOM, NO WEDDING

People magazine has a piece out about a woman who will stand in for your mother at your wedding if your own mother has disowned you for being gay. The woman, Sara Cunningham from Oklahoma City, has founded a group called Free Mom Hugs that now has chapters all over the country. She found her calling after reacting badly to her son’s coming out, and subsequently seeing the light.

Don’t get me wrong. I think it’s sweet. But I’m a little perplexed by the fact that this sounds like a popular service. Why would a total stranger make anyone feel better about rejection from their own mother? I guess it could make you feel a tiny bit better. Maybe. In People’s main example, a bride named Tabatha engaged Ms. Cunningham for her marriage to Marlee. Tabatha said it was “bittersweet” to have a maternal substitute. “By standing in for the absent mother, Sara offered what Tabatha wanted most.” People explained. “’She wanted to love me out of the want of her heart,’ Tabatha says. ‘It was an overwhelming flow of love.’”  

As for Marlee, she told People that it was “a weight off our shoulders to have Sara there… It was nice to have someone there from Tabatha’s side.”

But that wasn’t “someone there from Tabatha’s side.” It was a very nice person who none of them had ever met before. Just saying!


KK, GEN ZER

Speaking of bad mothers, did you hear the one about the gay man whose mother grew hostile after he came out of the closet. Earlier, she had shared the recipe for her delicious meatloaf after making him swear to keep the details a family secret. Given her later behavior, the man published the recipe for what he now calls “revenge meatloaf” online. It went viral and the rest is history. 

Look it up if you want, but I warn you, it starts with four to six pounds of meat. I’ve never made meat loaf, but isn’t that a lot? Also, the recipe picked up even more attention after it was posted on reddit by “crustycumsocklicker.” Guys? Do you really find these sophomoric monikers attractive? What’s wrong with “Jim1955” or “Jetsfan4ever?” 

Oh, don’t get all mad, Crusty. I’m just kidding. By the way, I was reading about the generation gap in texting etiquette. I understand it’s rude to text “OK,” and it’s preferable to text “KK.” I’m assuming that baby boomers are not held to this standard, because we’re not trying to be rude. We just don’t know what we don’t know, as Don Rumsfeld would say. At any rate, given this new rule, what does that say about the expression “OK Boomer?” Is it meant to be an insult? I thought it was just a worldly sigh of exasperation from one cohort to another. Now, that’s something we understand.


BOTTOMS UP!

What else is new? Check out ProPublica for a list of 31 ways in which Trump has undermined the LGBT  community in his seemingly endless time in office. It’s sobering, but I don’t feel like trotting out the highlights in print. 

There’s another gay penguin anecdote. Two naughty males in a Dutch zoo who stole an egg from a straight couple. And actually, I read a lengthy Yale study about same-sex activity in animals that suggests pan-sexuality delivers an evolutionary advantage. Sing with me: “We are poor little lambs, who have lost their way. Bah, Bahhhh, Bah. We are little black sheep, who have gone astray. Bah, Bahhhhh, Bah.”

I guess the authorities at the Upshur County, West Virginia library are considering whether or not to remove a gay-friendly kid’s book, “Prince and Knight,” after a local pastor discovered the offending volume and complained that young readers could be led down the primrose path to sin. Author Daniel Haack explained that the book was a fun story that reflects the reality of millions of families. “If the protesters are worried that reading this book will turn someone gay, I can easily refer them to all the gay adults who grew up only reading about straight romances,” he told the local press.

Oh, there’s much more, much of it not very pleasant. And you must check out the lesbian Renault ad, a Sapphic commercial masterpiece. But more importantly, have a lovely holiday month. Cheers.


arostow@aol.com