THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE
With Halloween approaching, we asked these individuals in recovery to share the most terrifying aspects of addiction
BY PAULO MURILLO
SEVERE HALLUCINATIONS
“I would have to say the most terrifying thing about addiction would have to be psychosis. I had these severe hallucinations. They were visual and audible and they felt 1,000% real. When you start reacting to things that aren’t real, that’s when you start doing crazy things. I was self-medicating to keep getting high and once I stopped taking my antipsychotics, the psychosis came at me like a freight train. It was like a switch went off overnight, and that was terrifying, when I lost my sense of reality. But once I got sober I understood that I was completely lost in psychosis, which didn’t go away overnight… Today, life is good. I have a therapist and my life is sustainable. I feel very happy and healthy. I have solid relationships with people. I have an amazing job… It feels like my life is working.”
—Brian Curiel, sober since October 29, 2021.
PARANOID STATE
“There are a lot of terrifying things about addiction, particularly with meth. I got to a really paranoid state of mind where I thought people were out to get me, and the TV was talking to me and all of that was really terrifying. In general, the most terrifying feeling was just feeling all alone. Then the relief came when I got into recovery and heard that I didn’t have to be alone anymore. So looking back, that was really scary, just feeling like I was alone with my problems. I treated that fear by going to meetings and learning the promise of a 12-step program. I didn’t have to try to do it alone anymore. The program gives me a lot of meaning in my life and taught me to be there for the newcomer. I feel this assurance that I will have people in my life for the rest of my life.
—Matt Carlson, sober since September 3, 2019.
LOSING MYSELF
“What immediately comes to mind is losing myself, or losing my conscience. I see people in different levels of their addiction who come back from it and they are not themselves anymore. I’m afraid of losing my spark. You go off the deep end, and it’s off to the races. The reason why I want recovery is because I want to live and I want to experience the principles of recovery. I don’t know any of those things when I’m lost in my addition. If I lose myself I’m afraid I won’t have a reason to be sober or a reason to live. I know I have a spark. I still have joy and all that diminishes in my addiction. There are material things that get lost and that’s fine, but the will to live for me, and my connection to a higher power, I don’t want to lose that. I don’t want to live to get high. The last time that I used, I remember I felt physically dependent to the drug in a way had never felt before. I didn’t know what to do and I didn’t know how to stop. Those thoughts helped me get sober. I wanted to get out so a sought recovery. I have hope in recovery. Today, I’m finding myself instead of losing myself.”
—Christian Carrillo, sober since May 30, 2025.
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