OVERCOMING FEAR
In recognition of Halloween, we asked these clean and sober folks with different lengths of recovery time what was the scariest aspect of addiction and how they walked through that fear
BY PAULO MURILLO
DOING THE WORK
“I was done using drugs. My body, my mind, just said, ‘I’m done. I’ve got to stop…’ That was my whole intention, to be done, and what I did was rolled over, picked up the phone, called a dealer, and I ordered more. I came out of that experience really scared about the complete lack of freedom of choice to do anything other than more. That still scares me. Recovery is the foundation of my life. So when that goes away, it’s not like the roof blows off the house, literally the foundation erodes, collapses, and everything comes down on top of it… If I start, all my choices are taken away, and in a world that’s full of opportunities and options and choices, that lack of freedom to choose is terrifying. Today I get through that fear by doing the work. Everything you need to know about sobriety you learn in your first 90 days. You don’t get an advanced syllabus. Those are still the answers: go to meetings, talk to your sponsor, pray, reach out, do your service to others. That’s as easy as it is, always.”
—Kevin Chase, sober since September 9, 1999.
GUIDED BY HUMILITY
“The scariest thing about addiction is how it resembles Freddy Krueger. It lurks in the shadows of my subconscious, a monstrous version of my ego, waiting for the moments I let my guard down—when I’m tired, overwhelmed, or feeling lost. It’s that terrifying force that wants me to return to the ruthless, self-serving person I once was, feeding on my fears and vulnerabilities. In recovery there are the tools I use to fight Freddy. I don’t deny that he’s there—in fact, I name him. I know what he looks like: egotistical, selfish, and full of resentment. But instead of running away from that fear, I face it head-on. When I feel my ego creeping back, I confront it immediately, just like how the characters in ‘Nightmare on Elm Street’ have to face Freddy to take away his power… I choose to walk through the fear, guided by humility and the desire to be kinder, every day. By living in the steps, I’m keeping Freddy at bay—transforming fear into growth and, ultimately, freedom.”
—Art Arellano, sober since August, 2008.
BEING GRATEFUL
“I was not out to destroy myself when I started using. I was a good time guy looking for a little pick me up to keep dancing all night long. Looking back at the eleven or so years that I was at it during my mid-twenties to mid-thirties, the scariest thing for me was the way I was destroying myself, spiritually, mentally and physically. I did not want to die and felt like I was killing myself. I was not the type of tweaker that saw shadow people, was chased by helicopters, or heard voices that weren’t there. I was more terrified by the crash and burn after some party and play. The saying no more, followed by the self-betrayal, followed by the urge, which always led to more and then cut to the blackout days in the calendar. The complete powerlessness was terrifying. I got clean and sober in 2007, and back then I didn’t know anyone who was doing recovery. The way I overcome it today is I don’t use no matter what. Today I have tools. I mainly play the entire tape through, and remember to be grateful, because I never want to go back to that state of slowly killing myself and feeling that terrifying sense hopelessness.
—Paulo Murillo, sober Since January 10, 2007.
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