DATING SOBER
As Valentine’s Day takes place this month, we asked these clean and sober individuals what dating is like for them while navigating a program of recovery
BY PAULO MURILLO
SLOW BURN
“I have dating experiences with normies, and with guys in recovery. Neither one of them I met on any apps because I’m not on any apps. I think the kind of guy I want to be with isn’t on an app either. I used to always go to apps for hookups, and right now I feel like my Higher Power has something special in store for me. I don’t know who, I don’t know where, I don’t know when, but I feel like my angels are going to create someone I’m supposed to meet… I just don’t feel any pressure. I’m really happy with my space. I’m a monogamous type of guy, and I don’t need anyone financially… Now that I’m working a spiritual program, I find myself giving people chances. Before, it was strike one and you’re out. If there was no spark, I would just dismiss them, but I’m learning that there’s a slow burn. There are great people out there, and I need to give them time. In the past, I always liked bad guys that were not always good for me. Now that I’m sober, I’m just open to trying different things.”
—Curtis Blue Nunes, sober since July 8, 2020.
EASIER TO SHARE
“Initially it was very challenging to disclose that I was sober in dating situations. It was a deal-breaker for some people… Some guys were upfront about wanting a partner they could have a glass of wine with because drinking was part of their lives (like it was a big part of mine) so I understood, but it still made me sad. At first, I didn’t want to date someone in the sober community. I just didn’t want to have any weird energy, or have a date go bad and then have to avoid certain areas or certain meetings. Meetings are what saved my life and I didn’t want to screw that up with my bad behavior from the past. So dating sober guys was not a thing for me until lately. I actually started dating in recovery and it’s been fine. It’s easier to share things with someone who understands the language.”
—Omar Granado, sober January 7, 2019.
NEW VALUES
“I started dating about six months ago. I decided to open a profile on Tinder. My first sponsor suggested it and that’s been my source for going on dates. I don’t obsess over it. I try to just talk to one person, because the old me would want to match up with as many people as possible and have ten different conversations. I don’t want to do that to myself today, for my mental health, and for the benefit of the other person. Right now, I’m talking to one guy. We matched up about a month ago, and we’ve gone on four dates, and it’s going well. It’s one of those things where being in recovery taught me new beliefs and new values that are important to me and my mental health. Before, as the song goes, I was looking for love in the wrong places.”
—Mauricio Ocampo, sober since February 2, 2020.
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