AUTHENTIC LIVES
We asked these clean and sober individuals with transgender experiences what it’s like to live their true authentic lives as individuals in recovery.
BY PAULO MURILLO
MORE TRUTHFUL
“I think sobriety allows me to be more truthful about who I am. Being authentic to myself has been about sharing my feelings, even when I feel bad, happy, or sad. When I was happy, I’d want to celebrate and drink alcohol. I don’t do that anymore. I reach out to someone and tell them I got promoted and tell them I’m happy, grateful, joyous, and free. I share feelings whether it’s good or bad news. I’m not hiding anymore behind drugs. I used to be insecure about who I was, and that people wouldn’t like me because I’m trans, but today, I don’t give a fuck. I’m going to stay authentic to who I am because this is what makes me happy. Today, I’m living under a roof of my own. Back then I didn’t have a pot to piss in. Now I can take care of my cat Cruella De Vil. Those are the true miracles of recovery. I tell my trans sisters to not give up. Being sober is better than being a prostitute. We don’t have to lay on our backs to make a living. I love my life. I wouldn’t trade this for anything in the world.”
—Ayana Miller, sober since January 9, 2018.
MORE COMFORTABLE
“I live my life as a sober transgender man comfortably. It has taken me a long time to get here. If you were to tell me two years ago that I would be comfortable with myself, that I would be happy with myself, and like who I was, I would never believe you. Being authentic isn’t about being trans, or queer, it just means that I’m out no matter where I am, no matter who I’m with, I bring Alex with me. I was not able to do that when I was using or drinking. If I wanted to feel comfortable in my own skin, I would have to get high. I think that if you want to be able to finally feel like the inside matches the outside, if you get sober, you will find that it will. Down the road as you as you get some sober time, you will feel more comfortable in your own skin. This is the best my life has been going in a long, long time.”
—Alex, sober since June 3, 2021.
MORE REALISTIC
“Being sober has allowed me to be more realistic. I’m enjoying every moment of my life. I was hiding my feelings when I was using. I stuffed my authentic self because of my fears and insecurities and lack of acceptance. I stuffed my feelings using alcohol and heroin. Now that I’m sober, I still have the same feelings. I still feel insecure sometimes, but I face them. I feel them, and I accept them. I found a way to love myself as a beautiful human being, more than just a transgender woman. I work at bars and I’m around people who drink, but I don’t want to be in that space anymore so it doesn’t bother me. I f*cking love my life as a sober woman. I don’t know to describe it. I’m grateful. My feelings have no limits. My life is amazing and it’s beautiful.”
—Azul Love, sober since February 28, 2017.
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