SOBER LOVE
With Valentine’s Day in mind, we asked grooms-to-be Ethan Hall and Kyle Holtgren what it’s like to be in a loving relationship clean and sober.
BY PAULO MURILLO
USE OUR TOOLS
“Being in a sober relationship is functional. In my relationships before sobriety, there would often be misunderstandings or conflicts and we were never able to work anything out or find any understanding because I was never willing to look at myself. In sobriety, I get to look at my part and it helps keep the peace. We get to do a lot of fun things that I couldn’t do when I wasn’t sober, because I was afraid to leave my apartment. We get to experience life together and have a deep connection and love because we’re not out to get something from one another; we’re here to give and bring something to the relationship.
If there’s ever a challenge in our relationship, we get to sit down, communicate, and find understanding. It can be uncomfortable sometimes but being sober forces us to use our tools and work through things instead of trying to escape. I didn’t think I was worthy of love after my past experiences. That comes from childhood, and coming out, and all that stuff. I’ve discovered some self-worth in sobriety, and I’ve allowed myself to be open, to receiving and giving love unconditionally, and realizing that I can have a happy, healthy, sober relationship with another man.”
—Ethan Hall, sober since March 7, 2018
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LEARNED TO PAUSE
“Being engaged to Ethan is kind of a dream come true. It’s better than I would have ever imagined for myself when I was drinking. If I had to put into one word what relationships were like before sobriety, it would be ‘chaotic.’ I projected a lot of my issues to my partners back then. I was in a long-term relationship when I was 18 to 27 and I did a lot of heavy drinking. There was a lot of drama and resentment. I’ve been in recovery since 2011, so I’ve had a lot of time to work on myself, work the steps, and cultivate a new perspective on life, so I’m bringing a better version of myself to this relationship. Ethan does the work too. He’s been really inspiring. I was on auto pilot in my recovery and Ethan was really into service, so it inspired me to do the same.
Some of the challenges I face in a sober relationship is dealing with each other’s craziness. It still pops up. We’re not perfect. We made a deal that only one of us can be crazy at a time, but it doesn’t always work that way. We’ve learned to pause and take a step back.
I struggled finding a stable relationship in early recovery. I was pretty hopeless. In a sense, I’m glad because I wasn’t the best version of myself back then. I was still figuring things out. Looking back, it all happened the way it was supposed to.”
—Kyle Holtgren, sober since August 3, 2015.
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