KEEP COMING BACK
We asked these clean and sober individuals what it was like to come back into the rooms of recovery after their last relapse and why it is different this time around
BY PAULO MURILLO
USING THE TOOLS
“Coming back was really hard, but I was able to work through my challenges and smash my ego knowing that if I want to live, I had to choose life over meth. What’s different this time is I’m using the tools because it’s true what they say, you don’t stop using your tools after you walk out of treatment. This time around, I’m using my tools. I also learned not to keep any secrets and to tell everybody exactly what I’m thinking. I learned my lesson that meth is no longer an option. The hard part wasn’t what people would think of me, the hard part was fighting against my disease. I didn’t realize how strong a hold it had on me. I came to at the Hollywood Spa at 4:30 in the morning with nowhere to go. I knew if I kept going, I was going to die, so I decided to reach out for help and today I’m clean and sober.”
—DeRoin Motah, sober since August 13, 2021.
JUST SURRENDERED
“I had to let go of a lot of unfounded anger, bitterness, and resentment. It was hard. The only thing I did right was stay and walk through it. When I let go of my perception of what people thought of me, I was okay, and I was able to work on my program. Before it was all about them not liking me and not wanting me. Everything I did was an exclusion that would make me go out again. It separated me from everybody else. It was also all about the outsides. I didn’t feel a part of, and I didn’t believe in anything. This time, I gave all that up that. It was so tired. I just did what people said and stayed willing. It wasn’t that hard once I started doing it. Best thing to happen to me was when I just surrendered. And I stayed.”
—Timothy Mack, sober since May 29, 2020.
NOT COMPLACENT
“I was looking for ways to end my life. There was a tiny light at the end of a tunnel, and it was the Van Ness Recovery House. I sat at the back door until staff showed up. I sat in the office all day and I knew that I could go on. Since then, my life has blossomed and I’m so glad that I came through the other side. This time is different because I don’t take anything for granted and I’m not complacent. I always remember what that last run was like. It took a lot of humility to come back. I was working at the Van Ness House and standing up as a newcomer was hard; you see the heads turn. I didn’t want to take that newcomer chip and my sponsor told me, ‘Just take the damn chip.’ I’m so happy I did.”
—Steven Baxter, sober since November 20, 2016.
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