Overcoming child abuse, bullying and depression. One man’s harrowing journey
BY MARK ARIEL | PHOTO BY DUSTI CUNNINGHAM
There is a saying in Japan: “The nail that sticks out gets hammered down.”
In a country where conformity and social harmony are preferred over individualism—growing up gay can be difficult, to say the least. Add to that an abusive parent and you have all the ingredients for a living hell.
Shun Kanazawa, 34, moved to California six years ago. Growing up in Japan, he says in an interview with THE FIGHT, was “rough.” In addition to the country’s traditional social expectations Kanazawa endured an almost unimaginable home life.
“What other people think of you is of major value in Japan. My mother wanted to make me a ‘normal person.’ She also had a rough childhood and I imagine she suffered from depression—although she would never admit it. These circumstances contributed to her violent nature…
I was yelled at and hit quite often. She sprayed cold water on my face as I struggled to breath. She made me hit myself 1,000 times—and if she didn’t hear the slapping sounds she would yell at me to continue. She spanked my butt with an iron ruler many times.
The violence was not only physical but emotional as well.
She would often say ‘you are not worth living’ or ‘you would be better off dead if you can’t do this’ or ‘you don’t have enough courage to kill yourself—if you want to kill yourself—do it,’ when seeing me trying to tie a towel around my neck.”
By the fifth grade Kanazawa says he realized he was gay. “I was bullied for being effeminate in school… Later on, at university, I tried to be straight and had sex with a couple of girls but of course that didn’t change anything.”
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Kanazawa eventually became an elementary school teacher in a very rural part of the country. “The Japanese work ethic is very intense,” he reveals. “Teachers have tons of work—many of them fall into depression or become suicidal… After some time I experienced ‘burn out’ and had to stop working.” Part of his need to take a break, says Kanazawa, was to deal with his own childhood issues and depression.
“I hope all the people who have experienced an abusive childhood or are having to struggle with their sexual orientation will be able to find their way to free their mind and be their true selves.”
Looking back on his abusive upbringing Kanazawa says that he now understands his mother. “She never stopped feeding me and she loved me in her own way. She wanted to teach me how to be a responsible adult in Japanese society. She wanted to ‘fix me’ to be suitable for the Japanese community…
I understand it was difficult for her to deal with her own emotional problems and scars she had in her childhood—and how difficult it was for her raise a ‘not normal’ child.”
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Before relocating to the USA Kanazawa found out that he contracted HIV.
“To be honest—I‘m still struggling with being open about my diagnosis—even here in the USA. Some people are very discriminating—saying that I was being dirty or slutty… The truth is I was not having sex very often—maybe once in couple months and also with protection… I had never been to a bath house or places like that. One person forced unprotected sex on me and that’s how it happened … The first STD I got in my life was HIV.”
“I’m learning to be more open and I’m focusing on seeing people who are understanding and knowledgeable,” says Kanazawa.
“Of course being in treatment and being undetectable, prevents transmitting HIV.”
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At the age of 29 Kanazawa decided to explore new horizons. “I had been wanting to move abroad for some time—to try something new and explore the world… I was interested in singing, so my plan was to find a way to earn a living and perhaps take singing lessons.”
After moving to California Kanazawa found a job in San Jose working at a private international school. Some time after that he went on an audition in LA for a singing gig with Disney and got the job.
“I moved to LA and was also accepted to be part of the Gay Men’s Chorus of Los Angeles… They helped me a lot to be who I am today. However I was struggling financially so I decided to go back to teaching in a Japanese private school. I teach music and provide tech support. I love my students and coworkers there. The school wants me to be with them forever but I’m still looking into my heart and figuring out my life. I’m trying to see if I can do something with my singing or doing voiceover work or other possibilities.”
In conclusion, says Kanazawa, “I hope all the people who have experienced an abusive childhood or are having to struggle with their sexual orientation will be able to find their way to free their mind and be their true selves… I’m still struggling but gradually making progress.”
