Actor Nick Mathews on dysfunctional households, finding love and sexual labels

BY MARK ARIEL

“In Between Men,” the original online-only series from creator Quincy Morris, centers around four friends in NYC who live “in between” a gay world, whose clichés they don’t relate to, and a straight world they don’t belong to. They are successful, professional men, not defined by their sexuality. Through wild adventures, racy story lines, joys and pains, underscored by the pulse of New York City, “In Between Men” examines the relationships the men have between each other, their lovers, and the greater community.

“If you can love someone through their flaws, that’s the place where you find perfection, because love is imperfect”

Actor Nick Mathews, who plays Dalton, the lead character in the web series, says the show is unique because it doesn’t play on the “usual gay stereotypes.”

“We do make some light hearted jokes at the stereotypical gay man in the show,” says. “There are those in the community who are a little offended because they feel the portrayal isn’t accurate… I don’t think they really understand the points that we are truly making. But the reality is, we wouldn’t have a half million viewers if people didn’t relate to these guys. I think there are more guys who are ‘in between men’ than most people think.”

In an interview with THE FIGHT Mathews talks about dysfunctional households, finding love and sexual labels.

Can you tell us a little about yourself?

I was born and raised in New Jersey. I come from a proud Italian-American background, where my parents taught me that working hard is the only way to get what you want in life. And that life just isn’t fair.  Umm… what else? I’m a Pisces, a dreamer, extremely passionate, loving person who has very vivid imagination…it’s the place I go to when I want to hide. I think part of the reason why it’s so strong is because I lived in my imagination growing up. My parents fought a lot. Most Italian-Americans are loud, and screaming is completely normal, even when everything is going good, it’s just a form of expressing happiness and joy. However, ours was not most of the time.Growing up felt like my brother and I were walking on eggshells. Usually thescreaming ended with tables being turned over, food thrown on the floor, or someone crying. I just remember feeling overwhelmed, scared and angry. So I used music to cope – it’s why I can’t live without it. The music lead to daydreams, which led to me acting out scenarios in my mind about what was happening in the song. Looking back, it was very difficult, but I think it made me stronger because I survived it, it didn’t ruin me.

What motivated you to get into acting?

I’ve always loved acting. From a young kid, I was fascinated with Halloween. A dayto dress up like someone else – how cool! I loved being Dracula and I would get sointo it; had to have the right medallion, the right cape with the collar, themake-up, the fangs, the blood- I went all out. I remember this one time like it was yesterday, that I was hissing like a vampire trying to scare this kid on my block and I got a kick out of knowing that I was able to frighten him, so much that his mother came out to scold me for doing that. Who knew, I mean, I was only 8 or 9 and thought it was just fun.

What attracted you to In Between Men?

It’s a great script. The writing is really solid, the characters are life-like and I love what the show is saying. I can relate to Dalton very much so. I love the Sex & The City vibe; New York being a silent character in the ensemble, career people trying to get to the next level. It’s a lot how I see myself now.

How would you define your sexuality? I understand you’ve had relationships with both men and women.

Listen, I like a lot of things…And I feel like I live a full life and that couldn’t happen if I limited myself to the walls of a box. I’ve done everything, I’m an actor and an artist, I “feel” which to me means to be open to experience all life has to offer.

Is it difficult, socially, not to adhere to the strict “you’re eitherstraight or gay” norm?

Not really because I have both circles of friends and can walk through them withcomfort, but in truth, my close friends, are either in the same boat or justexceptionally open minded people, so I don’t face pressure to “conform” to an ideaof what is easiest for someone else to digest about my life. And for those folks who look at things in black and white – I’m just not that interested in hearing what they have to say and don’t spend time with them anyway.

The lead character you play, Dalton, struggles with a lonely love life,wondering if he should settle for Mr. Almost-Right or hold out for someonebetter. Is this a situation you can relate to?

Of course. I think everyone, everywhere experiences this feeling loneliness,especially in New York.  It’s funny though, a city with 8 million people in it and you can still be lonely, crazy right? But you have your intellectual, sophisticated friends for an evening of debate or philosophical conversation…or your hysterically wild friends to be silly with, and then your fellow artists to create with and I find that each group fulfills a different purpose or need, so the idea of settling for someone that is “almost” right is ridiculous. If you are being fulfilled, then you aren’t desperate to “settle”…and when it happens – it will just click inside of you. That being said, you will never find Mr/Mrs. Right because nobody is perfect. Nobody. So, the trick is, IF you can love someone through their flaws, that’s the place where you find perfection, because love is imperfect.

What do you look for in a relationship?

What I have always looked for is a best friend. I know that sounds cheesy, butwithout that comfortability, I can’t really build something with someone. That means that I need to be able to talk to you about anything even whenit’s really difficult. Trusting them to tell the truth…even when it hurts. You don’t have anything if you don’t have that, it’s the foundation and the precursor for what will come ahead. I need someone who is supportive of my goals and I have to be equally supportive of theirs. I’m also inspired by people who are just as passionate about life and what they do. I’m not saying that you need to be as ambitious as I am, but you need to be passionate about something, you know? Bring something to the table….Otherwise, it gets real old real fast, and being bored can’t be good. And I believe I’ve found these things in my current partner.  She can’t cook or clean, but she’s truly an amazing woman.  It feels right, it feels good. But, as my mom always says, “let’s see if it stands the test of time.”

Watch In Between Men at inbetweenmen.com

BY THOMAS MONDRAGON, LMFT

“I’m just so lonely, all I want is a boyfriend.”
“We’ve been together for 10 years, we don’t have sex anymore, I just feel so hopeless.”

“It’s so frustrating, all the guys online have perfect bodies and aren’t looking for someone like me.”

How often I’ve heard this from my gay clients. Gay men have an intoxicating need for relatedness imbedded in erotic longing and desire. Yet much of the loneliness, chasing after that next hot trick or disappointment with partners, is about an often missing component in gay culture – the buried gleaming treasure found in the alchemical relationship you have with yourself – sourced in the inner world of your feelings, dreams, desires and needs.

DEADLY SELF-HATRED

Many clients sadly articulate being gay boys silenced, made invisible or outwardly attacked. Stripped of the nurturance of his loveableness, worthiness and potential inherent in being a gay boy, the depressed man sitting across from me in therapy discovers how early on he split off much conscious awareness of his feelings, due to the unbearable pain of traumatic homophobic neglect, rejection and shaming, left with a deadly self-hatred.

Like a prisoner banished into dark isolation, he was cut off from himself,deprived of a soulful inner relatedness to a deeper psychological meaning of being gay far beyond the extraverted aspects of dating and romance which ultimately fail him without an integrated connection to feelings, numbed yet painfully churning deep inside.

Why a relationship with yourself? Our culture is dominated by heterosexist ideas of love – find the perfect mate, fall in love, live happily ever after – too often movies and songs proclaim a role-playing picture of romance and literal procreation. But when we see that hot stud at the gym that turns us on, the libidinal feeling of aliveness this beautiful image stirs up is also Gay Eros inviting us into transformative procreativity within the gay mind – the pathway to enlivened possibility and unrealized potential.

GAY LIBERATION

That guy that makes the heart race represents an inner lover/buddy, the Gay Soul Figure vibrantly throbbing in the psyche. Like Gilgamesh with Enkidu, our invigorating relationship to the erotic Gay Soul Figure as inner guide, lover, brother – shows us how to relate to difficult aspects of ourselves more courageously and pull back the negative, and positive, projections we force onto other gay men.

We can become conscious embodied men, Whitman’s comrades, inspired by a soulful evocation of gay love that embraces a heroic dark descent into the felt expression of the crushed gay boy’s hurt, anger, rage, shame, and internalized homophobia. Our lively imaginal dialog with the inner gay kid, the many shadowy feelings within, and the erotic Gay Soul Figure, fortifies an electrifying relationship with the gay self, advances incendiary homosexual self-realization, and is the visionary next step in gay liberation.

West Hollywood based psychotherapist Thomas Mondragon is a professor at Antioch University Los Angeles’ LGBT Specialization in Clinical Psychology, providing students the skills needed for LGBT affirmative psychotherapeutic practice.

He can be reached at: (310) 779-3113 or via email: tjmondragon@mac.com

BY ASHLEY HERSH

We met for the first time in my old roommate’s favorite café.  But, as soon as he walked in, I had a knee-jerk reaction.  ”Is he trans?!”  I thought to myself.  ”No.  That’s crazy.  He’s already a double minority.  Plus, he was in the army.  No way.  Not possible.  You’re nuts.”  But, the feeling would not go away.  As we chatted, I found myself staring at my tea, fearful to look into his eyes and see something that I was just not prepared to see.
But here I was, a straight woman, on my umpteenth online date, having given up hope on ever meeting a man while living in L.A., finding myself connecting with someone in a way that I had not felt in years.  He embodied so many of the qualities that I looked for in a man: he was strong, smart, charismatic and funny.  A real guy’s guy with a kindness that quietly shone through his calm demeanor.  We discussed our religion and how rare it was to find someone else who felt connected to it on more than a cultural level.  There were no awkward silences.  There was lots of laughter.  The date felt like it could have gone on forever, but it eventually ended with a quick, awkward hug.

LITTLE RED FLAGS
I spent the next several days obsessing.  I really liked this guy.  But could he be…?  No.  He couldn’t.  But, I wasn’t sure.  Little red flags kept popping up…his job, his place of worship…all signs pointed to LGBT.  ”Well, he’s interested in me, and he identifies as a man, so he’s not L or G,” I thought to myself, “Please just let him be bi.  I can handle bi.” But what if he was trans?  I saw myself as an open-minded person, but I didn’t know if I could be that open-minded.  After re-scrutinizing his online profile with my gay best friend, he gave me his verdict, “Don’t be that silly housewife who’s in denial that her husband’s gay,” he told me.  ”He’s trans.”
And then the panic really set in.  It was the afternoon before date number two: dinner and dancing.  What could I do?  I couldn’t date him.  I mean, could I?  I hadn’t liked someone this much in years.  But what could I say that night?  I now had his secret figured out, but I couldn’t just up and tell him.  I had to wait for him to tell me.  Where is the Miss Manner’s guide to trans etiquette when you need it?  (I can tell you Google is no help in this area – believe me, I tried.)  And, so I paced my apartment, hoping that the knots in my stomach would subside and I would come up with some magical way to get through this date without hurting his feelings and without vomiting from my own nerves.  Little did I know that at the same time, he was at home gathering his own courage to figure out a way to tell me.

FUNCTIONAL MALE PARTS
Between dinner and dancing, the moment arose, when his online profile name came up in conversation, and I admitted not knowing its meaning.  ”So, what does it mean?” I asked, secretly holding my breath and thinking, “Oh, no, here it comes.”  He finished parking the car, turned to me deliberately, looked me in the eye, and said, “It means I’m a transman.”  He paused ever so briefly and then added, “So, do I take you home now?”  And that’s where the conversation began.  I wish I could say that I was the open-minded woman that I wanted to be, but after a few minutes of talking through his transition and his current status, I told him that I needed to date a man with functional male parts.  The words felt strange coming out of my mouth and as soon as I said it, it felt so trite.  An old Sex and the City quote ran through my head, “You’re dating the man, not the penis.”  And yet, I couldn’t seem to get past it.
Nevertheless, I assured him that the connection I felt was real, and we decided to go dancing as friends.  And, yet, as the night went on, I kept having this nagging feeling.  ”Why are you throwing this away?”  I thought, “He’s amazing.  He has everything you’re looking for.”  And the physical attraction was undeniable.  As we got into the car, I told him that I did not want to give him mixed signals or confuse him or complicate things, but that I would like to try kissing him if he would be open to it.  So, we soon found ourselves at my apartment, chatting comfortably, and eventually kissing.  Every time we pulled away, I would hold my head in my hands and exclaim, “I don’t know what I’m doing!”  And he would laugh heartily.  His openness and humor would become the beacon of our relationship.  We decided to “go with the flow” and see where things led.  Not an easy plan for an overly-analytical law student, but I said I would try.

MAJOR FEARS

I wish I could say that that night was the end of my worries and the beginning of a beautiful relationship, but for me, it was the beginning of frequent and persistent panic attacks.  I became an emotional roller coaster.  One day, a fear would surface, and I would freak out, and he would talk it through with me and somehow infuse his humor and calmness in me, and I would be okay.  But sure enough, a few days later, another fear would arise and I would have to somehow calm down again.  ”How are you going to deal with my ‘crazy’?”  I asked him one day as he managed to calm me down via text message.  ”With a smile.”  He responded.  And I smiled too.
First, it was the major fears.  How could I allow myself to get into a relationship with someone who could be killed just for being who he is?  (It didn’t help that we met a week before the murder of Chassity Nathan Wickers, a transwoman in Hollywood, and 10 days before the Transgender Day of Remembrance.)  ”Seriously?” he responded.  ”I’m more worried about someone coughing on me and catching a cold.”  I laughed.  (He can always make me laugh.)  He explained that he generally passes and that he is very careful of his surroundings.  ”Besides, everyone has a target.”  And then, I admitted, feeling cowardly and selfish even telling him, that I was afraid of putting his target on me.  And rather than agreeing that I was being selfish, he responded with understanding, concern and kindness.  And I felt better for a few days.  MY RELIGIOUS COMMUNITY
But the fears continued.  What about the religious side of things?  We’re both religious people, and he has been fortunate enough to find a welcoming community here in Los Angeles, but what about other communities?  What is the general response from my religious community?  I told him I wanted to talk it over with one of my old religious mentors when I was visiting home.  He understood, and the next morning, he sent me links to the religious responses that have been put forth from different religious sects to transgender persons, along with biblical and textual interpretations.  I was amazed.  Not only did he stay calm through my concerns, but he even was able to continue to allay my fears with exactly what I needed to see.
But, my friends told me, he’ll never be able to give you children.  Surprisingly, this seemed to be the biggest concern that others put forth, and while it is a legitimate concern for most, it was not the one that bothered me.  I’d always played with the idea of adoption, and now, I just may have met a man who would likely be more open to it than most.
And sometimes, it was just a generalized fear with no substance behind it.  On the second night that he slept at my place, I woke up, trying to stave off a panic attack.  I told him that I was freaking out about the final exam that I had taken that morning, but the truth was, I was freaking out about him.  He watched me through sleepy eyes as I apologized for my “crazy.”  He rubbed my back and whispered soothing nothings to me, and when I didn’t seem to calm down, he told me to look at him.  I turned over, and he smiled broadly and pointed to his smile.  ”See?”  How did he deal with my “crazy”?  With a smile.  I smiled back, and I began to calm down.

THE LUCKY COUPLE
Of course, one of my biggest fears was with respect to our sex life.  We both promised each other that it would not be fair to either of us to have any discomfort with each other’s bodies.  I knew I was attracted to him, but would I be when his clothes came off?  I’m not a lesbian.  And I’m not bisexual.  So, what makes me straight?  My attraction to the male gender?  Or to the male sex?  We took things extremely slowly.  It was like being with the most respectful man on the planet.  At each step, there was a check-in.  Is this okay?  Are you sure?  We don’t have to right now.  And through open communication and lots of questions, we began to learn each other’s preferences about what we do and what language we use.  Part of me wanted to jump into everything quickly just to find out if I would feel okay with it before getting myself too emotionally entangled and potentially hurting both of us by changing my mind when we were both too invested.  But by going slowly, we were able to learn each other’s minds and hearts before learning each other’s bodies.
And that’s the bottom line.  When you fall in love with someone, their body fades and just the person remains, stripped down to their soul, and that is where the connection is and remains.
And then one day, the panic just stopped.  And we just got to be the lucky couple that is crazy about each other.  That’s not to say that I’ve jumped all of the hurdles of our future.  I’m still going to have to figure out how to tell my parents and my sister.  There may still be religious questions to face.  And there will be other questions if we go down the path towards marriage and children.  But, in the meantime, I have gained some of his calmness and humor, and I know that together, we will be able to deal with the “crazy” with a smile.

Somewhere out there, a family is waiting for a child to complete it.

For same-sex couples or single parent families, it may simply be the right time to bring a child into their life. Like many families, LGBT couples want an opportunity to share the love in their home.

If you are thinking about adopting a child, Accredited Adoption Service/The Law Office of David J. Radis, has been handling adoptions since 1976, and specializes in LGBT Adoption.

“When choosing adoption,” explains Radis in an interview with THE FIGHT, “the couple needs to decide what type of adoption they would like to pursue.”

“With an open adoption, the birth mother and the adoptive parents are able to communicate back and forth with each other freely. The birth mother is allowed to talk and meet with the adoptive parents before she ever chooses to select them as her baby’s new family. Once the baby is born, the adoptive parents can share pictures, videos, and messages with the birth mother and vice versa. Whether or not the birth mother and child ever have regular meetings is up to the adoptive parents and mother. Coordinating with one another is recommended.”

“With a semi-open adoption,” explains Radis, “the birth mother may know the adoptive parents first names, but generally not their last names or where they live. The adoptive parents will regulate communication and will determine when the birth mother can come to visit, if at all. There is much less opportunity given to the birth mother to choose when and how she communicates with the couple and her baby.”

“With a closed adoption, the birth mother doesn’t get an opportunity to have future visits with the baby and sometimes, the names of the couple adopting are not disclosed.

This is done to protect the new child. Some individuals choose this more aged, but traditional form of adoption because they fear that the birth mother will be incessantly calling and attempting to visit the baby once it is born.”

For more information on how Accredited Adoption Service/The Law Office of David J. Radis, can assist you with the adoption process call 1-800-637-2882.

HIV discovery could allow scientists to block virus’s entry into cell nucleus

Scientists have found the ‘key’ that HIV uses to enter our cells’ nuclei, allowing it to disable the immune system and cause AIDS. The finding, recently published in the open access journal PLoS Pathogens, provides a potential new target for anti-AIDS drugs that could be more effective against drug-resistant strains of the virus, reports ScienceDaily at www.sciencedaily.com.

HIV is transmitted through bodily fluids, primarily infected blood or semen. Once inside the bloodstream, the virus infects key components of the immune system, including cells known as macrophages. It works its way into the nucleus of the macrophages, where it integrates itself into the cell’s DNA, allowing it to replicate and spread throughout the body.

To access the DNA, the HIV must pass through the nuclear pore complex, a gateway into the nucleus. Until now, the mechanism that allows the virus to pass through this gateway was unknown.

Now, a team of scientists from UCL (University College London), the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine and the Laboratory of Molecular Biology in Cambridge has identified a vital component of this mechanism. A part of the virus called the capsid protein, acting like a key, binds to Nup358, a protein on the nuclear pore complex, unlocking the gateway and granting the virus access to the DNA.

“Targeting proteins in the host, rather than in the virus itself, has added benefits

Professor Greg Towers, a Wellcome Trust Senior Research Fellow at UCL, who led the research, says: “It’s 30 years since the first cases of AIDS were reported, and while great progress has been made in developing and improving antiretroviral drugs for treating HIV infection, the virus often develops resistance against these drugs, making it very difficult to treat. It’s very important that we stay one step ahead with new therapeutic strategies.
“In our research, we have found the ‘lock and key’ that allow HIV to enter a cell’s nucleus. Once inside, the virus can begin to replicate itself, spreading almost unchecked throughout the body. If we were able to block this entry with a drug — in effect, to change the locks — then we could stop this spread.”
Targeting proteins in the host, rather than in the virus itself, has added benefits, explains first author Dr Torsten Schaller.

“Almost all HIV treatments target the virus itself,” he says. “We know that HIV can easily evolve and change, which means that the virus can become immune to the effects of the drugs, rendering them ineffective. But if we can develop drugs which target proteins in the infected person’s body, the virus will struggle to evolve to get around this.”

According to the World Health Organization, 33.3 million people were living with HIV in 2009, of which 2.6 million were newly infected. Without treatment, the virus causes potentially fatal damage to the immune system, leading to opportune infections. Deaths from AIDS-related illnesses are the third most common cause of death in low-income countries, killing around 1.8 million people a year worldwide.

BY DENNIS BOGORAD

 
A unique social gathering for single gay men with erectile dysfunction will take place on the evening of Saturday, March 10, at a private home in Studio City.  This confidential evening will offer single gay men with ED a chance to meet others like themselves; men who may be interested in dating, falling in love, or just becoming friends.
There are thousands of single gay men in Los Angeles experiencing the permanent inability to obtain or maintain an erection.  This inability can be caused from a multiple of reasons, such as diabetes, high blood pressure, HIV, antidepressants, prostate issues, physical injury, aging, and more.

Many ED sufferers feel they cannot attract a boy friend, life partner, husband, or even a sex buddy, because their equipment doesn’t work properly.  These men reluctantly resign themselves to a life of loneliness without love, tenderness, or sex.  They’ve concluded they can’t attract a sympathetic partner who is interested in them as a whole person or even simply a hot sex partner.  Additionally, they don’t know where to look.  Now they have a chance to turn their lives around in a relaxed, supportive, non-judgmental environment.

Single gay men interested in attending this first ever event can request a confidential application (no last names necessary) to be prescreened to make sure all men attending actually qualify.  To the best of our ability all men attending the event will be pre-qualify as single gay men with Erectile Dysfunction.

Naturally, the evening will be a closed and confidential.  If interested in attending, please email Dennis@malecare.org.  A short questionnaire will be e-mailed to you.  Fill it out and send it back.  For those qualifying, event  invitation will start going out by the third week in February.  This first time event will be limited to 30 men.  Single Gay Men with ED Only!

This event will be free and is held under the sponsorship of CMG (California Men’s Gathering) / Malecare/ and Cancer Support Community.

For more info please email Dennis@malecare.org

By F. E. Cornejo

The L.A. Gay and Lesbian Center (LAGLC) presented Rachel Zoe an award for her continued support of LGBT people last month, making her one of the new faces and champions of LGBT rights. The January cover of  THE FIGHT featured Zoe’s newest openly gay associate, Jeremiah Brent.

LAGLC hosted the private/closed event  in “The Terrace” at the newly renovated Sunset Tower Hotel. The event benefited the Center’s Homeless Youth Services Program. Tickets were not released for sale to the public and the dining room was hidden from view with floor to ceiling drapes.

Before the guests arrived, LAGLC’s Chief Executive Officer, Lorri L. Jean and her wife, Gina Calvelli greeted members of the press, staff and volunteers.

The press lined the black “red carpet” in anticipation of the arrival of the honoree and other celebrities. The first celebrity guest to arrive was Daphne Zuniga of “Melrose Place.” The second was Lieutenant Governor, Gavin Newsom.

Other celebrity guests included actress and model Garcelle Beauvais, “Fahion Police” co-host George Kotsiopoulos, Jennifer Gray, “Less Than Perfect” star Sara Rue, Mandy Moore and Kelly Osbourne.

The award was presented by Zoe’s longtime friend and client Anne Hathaway.

My mom passed away one year ago, more than 20 years after her husband. She never remarried, or even dated. My dad died when I was 9. I don’t remember much about their interaction. I have only stories of him drinking himself into a violent rage most nights and beating her whenever the urge arose. He was 20 years her senior. Previous to their marriage, he was her stepfather.  When she was 16, he divorced his wife, her mother and married her, had five kids and adopted me.

“What it all really comes down to is the one simple truth that you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else”

Growing up my family never had conversations. We had arguments that often resulted in something being smashed against the wall, someone storming out of the house or my older brother kicking the shit out of me and blaming me for it. This was how we learned to communicate. It’s all any of us ever knew.

FEAR AND DESPERATION

My longest relationship lasted almost seven years and I have the scars to prove it. Like an arthritic joint that aches before a storm, the 4-inch vertical scar on my left leg itches every time I think of the butcher knife that missed its mark when my ex-boyfriend threw it at my dick.  We fought like my family fought, often and violently and almost every time we made up and continued the viscous, toxic cycle of drug use and codependency. For years we’d use drugs and have sex for three days straight and fight for four. This is how we knew how to love, both being survivors of abuse, both being addicts and alcoholics. These were the bonds we shared, our abusers being our older brothers. One night I stood up for him – his brother had just gotten out of prison – and I saw him make a sexual advance toward my boyfriend at the time. The night ended with his brother holding a knife to my throat and a lot of yelling and crying. His brother was killed in a knife fight a week later and I remained in the relationship for several more years, more out of fear and desperation than love.

ENDURE FOR LOVE

The best relationship I ever had was with someone I still consider to have been the love of my life. He was probably the only person I’ve ever dated who grew up in a healthy family environment and didn’t exhibit any addictive personality traits. Which is why he didn’t stick around too much longer after he found out I was cheating on him with my previous boyfriend. He could deal with my ramped alcoholism and even my illness, but even the purest of hearts have limits to what they’ll endure for love…more so, it seems. The sadness I saw in his face is still burned in my memory today and I am grateful for having learned to treat my lovers better, and myself as well.

Today I find the challenges in dating to be more about dealing with my addictions and illness. I’ve added certain text to the introductory script I use when I meet a guy. “What’s your name? Where are you from? Top? Bottom? How big is your dick? Do you use drugs and how often do you drink?” These are important questions and sometimes deal breakers, depending on the response. I can’t date someone who uses drugs. That’s a hard and fast rule. I won’t even socialize with someone on a regular basis if they use hard drugs, like cocaine or meth. I definitely won’t date someone who uses. If he drinks, there have to be rules like he needs to respect my sobriety without question. No, I can’t “just control my drinking” or “just have one” and my meeting schedule needs to be uncompromising. If I’m seeing a guy and he can’t deal with that, then he might as well be a girl because we’re not a match. Besides, as I often inform potential boyfriends or whatever, “You wouldn’t like me if I DID have a drink.”

DEFINING BOUNDARIES

It’s not easy defining boundaries because temptation is everywhere. I try to surround myself with supportive people and do my best to avoid anyone who might compromise my program. Like most alcoholics and addicts, I’ve faltered time and time again. I try to remind myself that if I give in to his wants, it won’t last because once my addict rears its ugly fucking head, he won’t want me to drink with him anymore because he won’t want to be around me anymore. I mean, who would want to go out to the club with a guy who’s been in a fight in every single one in West Hollywood. Not cute and neither is the look on my face when I lose my shit in a crowded bar or the look on my ex’s faces when they see that side of me.

People often seem to have misconceptions about alcoholism and addiction. They have even more misconceptions about the illness that I struggle with. I’ve had conversations with friends about “when should I tell a guy that I’m bi polar?” and most of them say “wait for as long as you can,” but even after I disclose it – most guys don’t really understand what that means until they experience some random and dramatic mood swing or irrational outburst. A lot of them seem to think I can just “snap out of it” when I’m deep in a depressive episode or that I should “just chill” when I’m manic. It’s never so simple and again I find the best method is to surround myself with unconditional support.

SURRENDER AND TRUST

What it all really comes down to is the one simple truth that you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else. For me, I have to put my sobriety and my health before anything else or I will lose everything. I have to be unwavering when it comes to drinking or drugs and I can’t go a day without my medication. More often than not, when I’m fully committed to my program and I surrender and trust in my higher power great things happen. When I remember that my higher power is my mom and not some hot twink with a bag of dank weed, I get by just fine. While temptation is everywhere so is the love that I use to empower myself and share with those who still suffer. Because the one thing I’ve learned that rings most true in my life is that misery loves company, but love begets love and prosperity. So, I go where the love is and remember that above all else, I have to love myself first.

BY THOMAS MONDRAGON, LMFT

“I’m just so lonely, all I want is a boyfriend.”
“We’ve been together for 10 years, we don’t have sex anymore, I just feel so hopeless.”
“It’s so frustrating, all the guys online have perfect bodies and aren’t looking for someone like me.”

How often I’ve heard this from my gay clients. Gay men have an intoxicating need for relatedness imbedded in erotic longing and desire. Yet much of the loneliness, chasing after that next hot trick or disappointment with partners, is about an often missing component in gay culture – the buried gleaming treasure found in the alchemical relationship you have with yourself – sourced in the inner world of your feelings, dreams, desires and needs.
DEADLY SELF-HATRED
Many clients sadly articulate being gay boys silenced, made invisible or outwardly attacked. Stripped of the nurturance of his loveableness, worthiness and potential inherent in being a gay boy, the depressed man sitting across from me in therapy discovers how early on he split off much conscious awareness of his feelings, due to the unbearable pain of traumatic homophobic neglect, rejection and shaming, left with a deadly self-hatred.
Like a prisoner banished into dark isolation, he was cut off from himself, deprived of a soulful inner relatedness to a deeper psychological meaning of being gay far beyond the extraverted aspects of dating and romance which ultimately fail him without an integrated connection to feelings, numbed yet painfully churning deep inside.
Why a relationship with yourself? Our culture is dominated by heterosexist ideas of love – find the perfect mate, fall in love, live happily ever after – too often movies and songs proclaim a role-playing picture of romance and literal procreation. But when we see that hot stud at the gym that turns us on, the libidinal feeling of aliveness this beautiful image stirs up is also Gay Eros inviting us into transformative procreativity within the gay mind – the pathway to enlivened possibility and unrealized potential.
GAY LIBERATION

That guy that makes the heart race represents an inner lover/buddy, the Gay Soul Figure vibrantly throbbing in the psyche. Like Gilgamesh with Enkidu, our invigorating relationship to the erotic Gay Soul Figure as inner guide, lover, brother – shows us how to relate to difficult aspects of ourselves more courageously and pull back the negative, and positive, projections we force onto other gay men.
We can become conscious embodied men, Whitman’s comrades, inspired by a soulful evocation of gay love that embraces a heroic dark descent into the felt expression of the crushed gay boy’s hurt, anger, rage, shame, and internalized homophobia. Our lively imaginal dialog with the inner gay kid, the many shadowy feelings within, and the erotic Gay Soul Figure, fortifies an electrifying relationship with the gay self, advances incendiary homosexual self-realization, and is the visionary next step in gay liberation.

West Hollywood based psychotherapist Thomas Mondragon is a professor at Antioch University Los Angeles’ LGBT Specialization in Clinical Psychology, providing students the skills needed for LGBT affirmative psychotherapeutic practice. He can be reached at: (310) 779-3113 or via email: tjmondragon@mac.com